Thank you, Cereset.

It’s been a long week. For those that I have met in the last six years, you may be unfamiliar with my story. I was diagnosed with depression at 14, had a hell of a ten years, and eventually found a therapy called “brainwave optimization therapy” which said that an unbalanced brain creates all kinds of problems for you. Turns out, they were right. I won’t get into my entire story now, but you can read the whole thing by clicking here.

Six years later, the therapy has advanced a lot, even taking on a new business name; Cereset.

Let me explain a little… Apparently, your brain has the ability to help itself. I didn’t believe it until I experienced it six years ago. Outside stress can cause an imbalance in your brain, which can result in a brain unable to fully communicate with itself, relax or manage stress. Cereset is “a non-invasive process using brain-initiated sound to relax the brain, allowing it to reset itself and freeing it from freeze or fight-or-flight states.” (Okay, I borrowed that line from Cereset.com – check it out.) It’s insane the way it works. The very first time it was explained to me I thought, no way in hell is this real. Okay, I was deep in the depression hole and came to a point where I didn’t think anything was going to work. But this especially sounded like some kind of, magic, for lack of a better word. It works, though. I’m proof.

In December of 2012, this therapy brought me into myself. I like to say that before that, I wasn’t living. I was a shell of a person. I didn’t have any passion for life and I was miserable to be around. Depression can literally suck the life out of you, and it absolutely did for me. Cereset (AKA Brainstate, back in the day) changed all that for me. It saved my life.

So last week when I finally realized and admitted that my anxiety had gotten WAY out of hand, of course Rick Tansey was the first person I called. (Okay, I had a little push from my mom. She came in clutch, once again.) This week, I went through this therapy once again. At first I was mad at myself for even letting my anxiety get so out of hand, and then almost ashamed that I needed to be asking for help again. I had to get over that quick though in order to take care of myself. Within just a few days, I’m sleeping better, (6 hours without waking up? I’ll take it!) and my mind has completely quieted. No more racing thoughts, obsessing over things, grabbing onto a ridiculous idea and not being able to let it go. I’m not panicking when I think about certain things. I still have a few weeks to go until I’m back to feeling like my normal self. The “recovery” phase, where my mind is shifting around a bit, can be weird. I don’t have a lot of energy and my emotions have been a little all over the place. I’m not quite where I need to be, but I’m definitely on my way.

I’ve said this before, but I have to say it again.. This isn’t a cure all for being unhappy. It’s not some magic potion that suddenly turns your shitty life into what you’ve always wanted it to be. What it does do is give your brain an opportunity to relax and reset it self, giving you the chance to be able to handle life with an optimized and fully functioning brain. And let me tell you, there’s no better feeling.

I love talking on this subject, so as always, if you have questions or concerns or want to talk, you all know how to find me. Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far. ❤

Rambly

Life’s funny, isn’t it? Things can be going great, or so you think. A few bumps in the road here and there, a few anxieties about the future, and suddenly things aren’t great anymore. Suddenly your minor anxieties turn into constant anxieties, and those constant anxieties turn into panic attacks in Target check out lines and in the middle of Johnson Valley.

I think we need to break the stigma that everything has to be great, all the time. We need to remember that shit happens, and you’re allowed to feel anxious or angry or sad or depressed. We need to feel comfortable talking to other people about it too, because holding this shit in isn’t doing anyone any good. And can we please stop acting like people who post their shit on the internet are just doing so for attention? It needs to be talked about, and we need to reply to those people with love and support.

I feel a little rambly tonight, and I think that’s partly because I have gone through two of four days of more brainwave optimization therapy this week. (Actually, it’s not even called that anymore. But for my sake, it is.) I recently came to the conclusion that my anxiety was doing more harm than anything these days. I know what minor anxieties are, and I know how to handle them. I also know when they get out of control and interfere with my day to day life, and my happiness, I have a serious problem. I started taking a closer look at things, and what I saw scared the crap out of me. I started seeing symptoms and signs of the person I was six years ago, before I first went through this treatment. Racing thoughts, over thinking and over analyzing everything, not sleeping, sleeping too much, having panic attacks in places that I LOVE are all signs to me that things aren’t good at all.

So here I am, back in the place that started my recovery six years ago. At first I almost felt ashamed of having to be back.. I thought to myself, how did I let this happen? And how did I not notice it was happening while it was happening? It almost hit me like a ton of bricks. One day I was just anxious and the next day it was all visibly right in front of me, every sign. I’m trying not to feel ashamed of needing help, again. I’m glad that I found something that worked so well for me in the past. It’s a comforting thing to be able to call someone and say, “I need help, when can I get an appointment?” I talked to Rick on Friday, March 29th and I started treatment on Monday, April 1st. Talk about a quick turnaround there.

It’ll take a while to feel like myself again. It’s not a process that happens over night. I’ve been tired this week, and my head feels a little foggy. One of the side effects of the brain shifting is that some people can be a little more sensitive to things, and go figure, I am one of those people. So there has been quite a bit of crying the last two days. But I know it’ll pass.

This therapy saved my life six years ago, and I trust that it will bring me back to myself this time around, too. It’s frustrating having to be patient. It’s also frustrating to explain to people why you aren’t yourself. I wasn’t so candid and open the first time around during the process, and I knew this time I wanted to document a little more of it. If not for anyone else, but for myself.

Like I’ve said before, (or maybe I just thought it, I don’t know) I don’t put any of this online to get attention or have people feel sorry for me or anything. I’ve always used this as an outlet to tell my story and hope that I can help someone in the process. At the very least, I want others who may be feeling what I’m feeling to know that they aren’t alone.

I have a little ways to go in this, but I know that everything will work itself out.

If you’re new here, and you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, you can start by reading my initial story, here, and then read my five year update – Cheers to Five Years.

Again, thanks for reading this crap.

Emotional Crap

Wow.. Has it really been a year and three months since I’ve written anything? Normally, I wouldn’t be surprised by this, but I haven’t even written anything down physically. No pen to paper action in a very long time. And this is coming from someone who used to overshare in journals. (Is that even a thing?)

I’m here because.. well.. I’ve had some things on my mind lately and I really didn’t know where else to turn. Yes, I have friends, family, a boyfriend and about a million other social media outlets. But something about writing like this makes me feel.. Free. Like I can get all my thoughts and feelings out into the open and the reader can do what they want with it. When you go to someone specifically, it’s like, “SURPRISE, here’s all my emotional crap, now it’s up to you to respond in way that won’t make me break down further.” That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone. So here it is. All my emotional crap. Read it or don’t; that’s up to you.

It’s been a rough few months for me, personally. I thought 2018 was going to be the year that I conquered shit, took on the world, and really made something of myself. But here I am, 3 months into 2019, and I feel no closer to achieving anything I set out to achieve. It’s easy to get bogged down, wonder “why me” and feel incredibly hopeless. The last few weeks, especially, it’s been a daily battle between my logical mind and my anxieties. I find myself believing the things that I think. I think I’m a loser, failure, pathetic excuse of a human being, and suddenly I find myself believing those things. I worry about things, (like people I love leaving me) that I know are ridiculous. I feel hopeless when I know that hope is not lost. I feel like a failure, when I know, in fact, that I am not a failure. It’s a constant, daily battle. Some days I win, and some days I lose. Some days I conquer all anxiety and fear and I kick ass. Some days I cry a lot, struggle to get simple things done and end the day with a bottle of wine.

I’ve realized that lately I’ve been the person to put on a smile and face the world. I’ve been struggling alone, in silence. Not because people aren’t there for me, but because I let myself believe that reaching out meant showing weakness. I’ve been afraid that if I let the world know I’m frustrated, wore out, beat down, and that I cry more often than not, I’ll be looked at as pathetic, overly emotional, or (one of my biggest fears) crazy.

It’s time to let the walls down, in the only way I know how. Maybe this is the start of me writing again, publicly and/or privately, or maybe I won’t be back for another year and three months. Either way, here it is. My emotional crap, in all it’s glory.

PS: If you’re new here, and you’ve gotten this far.. Please don’t judge too harshly when you go back and read some of the things I wrote in the past. I find some of it embarrassing, but I dare not delete it. After all, it got me here and made me the person I am now.


Cheers to Five Years

Today marks five years since I went through something called brainwave optimization therapy. FIVE YEARS. If you had asked me five years ago if I thought I would ever feel this good, I probably would have laughed at you. (You can read about Brainstate Technologies here and by visiting brainstatetech.com) I’ve spent all day reflecting, thinking about the last five years, and trying desperately to put my feelings into words. It’s something I’m generally pretty good at it, but found myself at a bit of a loss today.

I went back and read the post I wrote three years ago, on my two year anniversary. Everything I said then is still true today.

It’s hard to explain to people what depression feels like. It’s something that’s not easily put into words. I remember in high school people saying cliché things like, “snap out of it!” or “just try to look on the bright side.” The bitch about depression is that it takes away your ability to see the good in life. It takes away your ability to feel joy, about anything. It’s this thing that sucks you into a black hole and makes you forget about everything good in your life. You forget about your friends and family, and that they love you. You forget how much you love being outside, or photographing things, or listening to your favorite bands. You forget the simplest things in life. I like to use Eeyore as an example. You know, when he’s the only one with the rain cloud above him. That’s what depression is like; it’s raining on you all the time, and you can’t figure out how to make it stop. You look around and see your friends having a great time out in the sunshine, but no matter what you do, you can’t quite feel what they feel. You can’t make that rain cloud go away.

Brainstate saved my life. I consider myself lucky because I was never suicidal, but whatever I was doing before December 10th, 2012 wasn’t living at all. Since then, I have prospered in so many ways. I have found happiness that I quite literally never knew existed. I said it in my writing three years ago, and I’ll say the same things today… My life is no where near perfect. I still have bad days, sometimes even bad weeks. The difference today is that I have a motivation for life, passions I never knew could exist and pure joy that nothing can take from me.

So, here’s to five years. Five years of challenges, learning from mistakes, and growing.. and being happy every step of the way. (And doing it drug free!)

My serotonin tattoo with my anniversary date. Shoutout to my grandma for taking me!

Just for fun – here’s the picture I took on my last day of treatment back in 2012. I liked the way the clouds looked, so I snapped the picture and didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until I went back and looked at it later that I realized the way the sun hit the lens… Like the rain cloud was finally gone.


Cheers to Two Years

December marks a pretty cool anniversary for me. It’s been two whole years since I first went through something called brainwave optimization therapy. It’s an AWESOME treatment for things like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and all kinds of other things. (You can read more about that here. Or visit www.brainstatetech.org) I am also celebrating two years of being anti-depressant free!

Two years ago, if you would have asked me what my future looked like, I would have never been able to even imagine the point where I’m at now. For those of you who didn’t know me two years ago, (that’s most of you, I’m assuming) let me explain to you a little about the type of person I was.

I was very depressed. I’m not just talking about being sad from time to time. It wasn’t the type of depression that follows a streak of bad luck, or shitty life circumstances. Things were pretty bad. I remember the last two years before Brainstate, I pulled away from most of my friends, let go of the hobbies that I loved so much, and I was absolutely no fun to be around. (Even for my family.) I was mood ALL the time.. When I did want to go out, I’d sit alone, or not be very engaging with my friends, or I just looked depressed. Seriously; no fun at all. I have people who can testify to this, too. I spent countless days curled up in bed, watching TV and eating dry cereal right out of the box. I felt incredibly hopeless. I had no idea where my life was going and the future terrified me.

What I’m trying to say here people, is that things were bad. REALLY BAD.

It’s hard to explain to people what depression feels like. It’s something that’s not easily put into words. I remember in high school people saying cliché things like, “snap out of it!” or “just try to look on the bright side.” The bitch about depression is that it takes away your ability to see the good in life. It takes away your ability to feel joy, about anything. It’s this thing that sucks you into a black hole and makes you forget about everything good in your life. You forget about your friends and family, and that they love you. You forget how much you love being outside, or photographing things, or listening to your favorite bands. You forget the simplest things in life. I like to use Eeyore as an example. You know, when he’s the only one with the rain cloud above him. That’s what depression is like; it’s raining on you all the time, and you can’t figure out how to make it stop. You look around and see your friends having a great time out in the sunshine, but no matter what you do, you can’t quite feel what they feel. You can’t make that rain cloud go away.

What Brainstate did for me is equally as difficult to put into words. I feel like words don’t do it justice, and the ways I can think to describe it just sound so cliché.. It was like, coming up for a breath of fresh air, or seeing a sunset for the first time. The rain cloud was gone. I can honestly say that before December of 2012, I don’t think I had ever felt pure joy. Don’t get me wrong, nothing about my life is perfect. I stumble and I fall, and my future still looks a little hazy. What’s important is that doesn’t terrify me anymore. I don’t feel hopeless. I have a passion for life now that I never had before, and I can’t even begin to imagine what things would look like had I never discovered Brainstate.

So, here’s to two years. Two years of figuring out who I really am, and being happy every step of the way. (And doing it drug free!)

I took this picture on my last day of treatment back in 2012. I liked the way the clouds looked, so I snapped the picture and didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until I went back and looked at it later that I realized the way the sun hit the lens.. It’s beautiful. It’s become one of my favorite photos. 🙂